My Noisy Head and Where it Led Me

by | Nov 17, 2022 | Uncategorized | 0 comments

The Monkey Mind Keeps on Chattering

I have always had a noisy head. I can remember being a kid, and actually hearing a running soundtrack of my actions. “She walks to the front door. She goes outside…” I was not what I would call a “relaxed” kid, and I grew into a worried adult. It might have been fine, if the dialog I was hearing was loving and supportive. It wasn’t. It ran more along the lines of a constant critic, telling me all the ways I was screwing up, Starting at the age of 12, I drank to silence the voices in my head, until that stopped working when I was 27.

Going into a program of recovery, I was introduced to meditation. That helped, but I spent most of the time on the cushion trying to shut up my noisy head. They tell you to witness the thoughts, and let them go, like bubbles wafting away. I always did best with guided meditations, where I could focus on the directions being given. Eventually, I became a daily meditator, sitting for up to an hour. As soon as I got off the cushion, the monkeys came back to chatter and clamour.

The Hidden Sadness

Over the next 25 years, I was did what people do in this reality to pursue success. I worked my way up to management in a major restaurant chain, only to realize I didn’t want it anymore once I got the promotion. I got married, had two beautiful children, and then got divorced. I graduated from a four-year school for energy healers. I “survived” all kinds of life experiences, periods of wealth, and periods of struggle. . I got married, and divorced, again. I moved to the South from my roots in NYC, I made amazing friends.  And ever-present was the gnawing anxiety. What should I do to avert the disaster I believed was around the corner?

It turns out the reason I have such a noisy head, is because I am hella psychic! I am constantly reading everyone’s feelings, thoughts and emotions for miles around. I even take pains and illness out of other people, such is my gift for healing. What I wasn’t acknowledging was a hidden despair. Maybe not so hidden, but I just took for granted that being overwhelmed and overcoming depression was how everyone started the day. Even with all my tools, I was still looking outside myself for validation, because the inner critic never shut up.

When it All Falls Apart, It Might Be Falling Together

In June of 2017, I ended a 2-year relationship with a man I thought I was in love with. My heart was shattered when I realized he loved someone else in a way he would never feel about me. Also present were all the demons of blame, shame, regret and guilt. It’s a wonder my friends put up with me, because all though that relati9onship, I was trying to figure out how to make it work.

Let’s be honest, I knew from the git-go it wasn’t going to end well, but I thought I could magically change everything. After I walked away, for three months I endured waking up every morning wishing I could just “get off the treadmill.” Only my refusal to make my children orphans kept me slogging away at life.

It was this breakdown that led to the breakthrough. I had to be totally defeated, to see that the way I had been operating in life wasn’t working anymore. I had to hit bottom in order to be willing to change. Yeah, cute but not too bright. Happy to say, I embrace change a lot quicker now. Sometimes I even choose different just for the hell of it, and not because my ass is on fire!

Maybe Access Bars® Could Help?

It was at this point that my friend Michael offered me a session of Access Bars. Twenty-five years in the healing world, and I’d never heard of it. But I was willing to try anything. I laid down on the table and he put his hands on my head. I instantly experienced a lightness, as if someone was sucking things out of my brain. I now know that’s the electrical charge of thoughts, feelings and emotions that no longer serve me, leaving.

Years of therapy and twelve-step programs didn’t do for me what that simple energy process of hands did. I emerged with more peace than I had had in a long time. Since then, I’ve come to realize that I am always gifting to others, and wasn’t great at receiving. The founder of Access Consciousness, Gary Douglas, says that a Bars session may be the first time someone allows themself to truly receive.

A Bars practitioner isn’t trying to fix you. They have no agenda (if they are doing it correctly). My friend was simply there with me, allowing whatever showed up to be present. My monkeys went quiet. The depression lightened. In the days to come, I no longer went the long way round to avoid the neighborhood where my ex lived. And the ever-present sadness that I didn’t realize I’d lived with forever, came less often, was less dark, and left sooner.

Gimme More!

When something works, I want to learn more about it. I dove into an exploration of the tools of Access Consciousness. In addition to energy processes, there are all kinds of verbal tools, that you can apply to absolutely any area of your life that you would like to change.

A couple of us started a weekly book club, that continues to this day. I discovered a bazillion videos on youtube . And now I am one of the people putting out those videos. Within a few months, I took my first Bars class. I went on to become a facilitator, teaching others how to do Bars. The tools of Access Consciousness have changed my life, and it’s so exciting for me to be able to introduce other people to them. I’m still learning about the hidden thoughts and feelings that I don’t want to know are there, and how to become more of who I want to be.

Do You Want More?

I’m glad you’re here, and thanks for reading my origin story.

If you want to learn more, there are so many resources.

 

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